Reefer and Madness at Iowa State

Riddle me this, Gentle Reader: 

What should a university do if one of their vehicles is photographed parked outside a legal marijuana dispensary? 

The correct answer, of course, is nothing. 

Guess what the idiot administration (that expression does border on the redundant, doesn’t it?) at Iowa State University did. Ah, you’re a clever one, Gentle Reader: you’ve already sussed that they did something remarkable in its stupidity. 

The van in question was being used by the club lacrosse team on a trip to a game in Colorado. Naturally, the university suspended the team’s right to use university-owned vehicles, because showboating punishing students who’d done nothing wrong violating the 1st amendment protecting the reputation of the university was paramount. 

So, what, exactly, happened? It appears that a group of post-adolescent young men got hungry about lunchtime. (I know, Gentle Reader, this all seems so implausible, but go with me here.) They stopped to eat at a restaurant on their way to the game, but apparently the nearest available parking space, still nearby, was in front of the High Plainz Strains Dispensary, a marijuana dispensary lawfully operating under Colorado state law. Someone anonymously photographed the van and posted the pic to the ISU Barstool Instagram page. 

FIRE (the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression) wants to talk about legalities, as they should. They point to a case from a few years ago in which ISU got sued (by FIRE) and ended up paying nearly a million dollars in damages for rescinding an earlier approval of a t-shirt designed by university’s chapter of NORML (the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws). The shirt depicted Cy (short for “Cyclone,” no doubt) the Cardinal, the school’s mascot, and text reading things like “NORML ISU Supports Legalizing Marijuana.” One iteration of the shirt can be seen here; another is here. 

Curmie, not being a lawyer, wonders whether Iowa State would have had a stronger case if they’d centered their defense on the unauthorized use of the school mascot, but the fact is, they lost, perhaps because they’d already approved the shirt before reversing course. Doesn’t matter, of course, expect for the fact that the current kerfuffle is on even shakier ground: a van parked near a legal marijuana dispensary? Seriously? 

Curmie remembers a letter to the editor or editorial published in the school newspaper at a place he used to teach. The point was that tuition was too high, and it must be because faculty were paid too much (guess what… we weren’t). There was an accompanying photograph of a high-end sports car parked near (there’s that word again) campus. Any kind of college-specific identification—a campus parking pass, for example—was conspicuous by its absence. But that leap of the imagination masquerading as analysis was perpetrated by a disgruntled post-adolescent, not by someone who purports to know how to run a university. 

ISU claims that the team somehow violated the university’s apparently divinely-inspired decree which forbids “displaying conduct that is incompatible with the University’s function as an educational institution and the purpose of the Sports Club Program.” That’s a rather vague injunction, very much ripe for abuse. 

FIRE counters by noting that “ISU may not punish students for third-party expression that may embarrass the university,” and that “Even if the club lacrosse team was responsible for taking and posting the photo, ISU still would not have authority to punish these students, as expression that damages the university’s reputation remains protected by the First Amendment.” Oh, and they point out that Iowa State didn’t provide due process. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln… 

Whether the school’s action is legally permissible is for the attorneys to settle. Whether it’s outrageously moronic, whether there is literally no evidence to suggest the lacrosse players did anything even a little problematic, whether it brings more shame to Iowa State than even a photo of the entire team toking up while leaning against the van in their ISU uniforms would have done—these things are clear to anyone who can outthink a banana. 

At one level, Curmie can’t improve on the snark of FIRE’s Perry Fein: “It seems ISU won’t just violate your First Amendment rights if you talk about weed. They’ll do it even if someone randomly mentions you and Ms. Mary Jane in the same social media post.” But Curmie does scratch his head a little, though: back forty-something years ago, when he was a little more aware of the drug culture than he is now, we were already laughing at people who used the term “Mary Jane.” Either it’s made a comeback, or Mr. Fein is very, very old, indeed.